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February 17, 2011 / Siobhan Argent

The BP/BO Debate: Which Side Do You Smell?

9th of January, 2011


“What is that wonderful smell? What is it? Who smells so good?” Charlotte Berry asks her secondary school class this question on Friday the 6th of July. Henry Mawkins, 13, raises his hand.

“Henry, I can’t tolerate Body Perfume. It’s very distracting. Go and put some neutraliser on.”

Henry rises from his chair, shrugging his shoulders, and heads toward his bag to find the requested item.

Charlotte, a secondary school educator, finds the Body Perfume (BP) of other persons to be almost as overpowering as its counterpart, Body Odour (BO). BP afflicts one in every 100 people, and while relatively uncommon, nevertheless makes its presence felt in the lives of ordinary ‘smellers’. BP has been said to be responsible for the deaths of the Big Bopper and Buddy Holly, their pilot rumoured to have been mesmerised by Holly’s tantalising underarm scent, and more recently, the scandalous affair between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, who relied not on Chanel No. 5 but on her own lascivious aroma to attract the former American President.

Henry Mawkins, a BP-positive high school student, says that BP doesn’t usually affect his life in a negative way.

“Most people are pretty cool about it. But sometimes I get people who don’t think I should smell that good.”

BP can often be identified by an addictive aroma surrounding a BP-positive person that may smell like freshly baked goods, a freshly drawn bath with lavender bubbles, or, in the words of Kevin Rudd, “a chocolate factory which has exploded next door to a factory making marshmallows, which has also exploded at precisely the same time.” Persons near a BP person may experience light-headedness, an extreme smelling sensation, and even at times, become overcome by the delightful smell.

On the other hand, people with BO cannot look forward to such a pleasant reception. BO afflicts more than 99% of the population, and a heat wave can bring on the nauseating effects of this debilitating health issue.

Paul Chapel, a pharmacist, says heat waves bring major BO problems.

“We sell out of deodorant, especially men’s deodorant, and then we have no deodorant left, and people are still asking for deodorant, but we have no deodorant, so we can’t give them any deodorant to make them stop stinking.”

Paul recalls one particular occasion on New Years Eve 2005, the hottest New Years Eve on record at 43 degrees Celsius, when BO victims outside his pharmacy became aggressive.

“We had no deodorant left, and there was a mob outside the store. We had to throw cans of body spray out onto the street to give my wife and daughter time to slip through the front door and get away.” Unfortunately for Mr. Chapel, he suffered for his reluctance to leave his shop unguarded.

“They pushed open the doors when I was trying to lock them, and one man, he put me in a headlock. It was completely overpowering.” Mr. Chapel’s ensuing unconsciousness from BO overexposure has kept him on a nervous health watch to this day.

“If I smell even a little bit bad, I spray deodorant on. I stock up on deodorant well before summer now.”

It must be acknowledged, however, that there are benefits in being simply a BO or BP person. Those few afflicted with BOP or its counterpart, BPO, find their cases even more debilitating.

BOP, or Body Odour Perfume, results in a highly-concentrated BO. This causes the sufferer to sweat profusely with the scent of Britney Spears (the person, not the range of perfumes), or a maggot-ridden dog corpse.

On the other hand, BPO, or Body Perfume Odour, signifies to its sufferers a deeper circle of hell. Molly*, 17, claims that she smells so good that she herself passes out almost daily from her own scent, most commonly acknowledged by those around her to smell like freshly baked scones. Molly’s BPO has become so overpowering it is off-putting to anyone who smells it. She now regularly hallucinates about scones, and has nightmares about Chanel or Estée Lauder attempting to kidnap her and harvest her skin for its perfumed qualities.

“I try not to think about it too much. BP may be good for some people, but BPO is just hell. Could you pass me that scone, please?”

*Name changed to protect privacy.

The contents of this report may or may not have been edited/falsified in order to present a coherent and factual news article. Anyone reading this disclaimer is now subject to Section 134AA ii (b) of the Evasion of Factual News Presentation Act which states that you have surrendered all libel claims to this work on the grounds of reading printed words with your eyes. Any attempt to remember the contents of this article is strictly prohibited.

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